Vice Grips

Starting a new job can be a little nerve wracking.  One tends to worry about learning the ropes, remembering everyone’s' names, the rules, all the obvious stuff.  What we are going to wear should not be an issue.........unless it is an issue and birthday suits are not allowed.  Thank God.  You know me; my mantra is ‘ya gotta look good’.  Well when you’ve been living in scrubs, outfit pajamas, and baggy t-shirts for a couple years, regular dress-up work clothes do not fit.  Not good. 

We are all familiar with the phrase ‘muffin top’.  I can’t help but wonder what a double muffin top would be called.  Cake?   Let’s just say it’s a bundt cake because the little sunken part in the middle where the belly button would normally be exposed, is sunken inwards.  This is where the little voice in our head goes ‘see I told you not to eat so much’.   We are supposed to trust our gut not indulge it.  Whatever.

I heard the term recently - ‘show me your guns’ and I said I didn’t own a gun.  But the guns being referred to are those beautiful hard balls of muscle that, when flexed, pop right up out of your arm.  I was right.  I don’t have guns.  As a matter of fact, the guns I once had fell off the rack and now I have rifles swinging under my arms.  I don’t like rifles.

My nephew is a senior this year.  In addition to being a really cool kid, he’s packed, stacked and cut up.  That's work-out lingo meaning he's got it together, or something like that.   Naturally his guns are loaded.  His abs is what we would call six packs, but if done properly they are really eight pack abs because of the muscles on the sides. He educated me on this, and I have every reason to believe him because he has an eight pack.  The lines that define the muscles are called ‘cut marks’ and he has more cut marks than the law should allow.  I personally am partial to the beautiful knees that have cut marks developed by runners.

So if muscles are guns, are the cut marks knives?  Well obviously I am not sporting a gun and knife show – it’s more like a bake sale.  But…………..I know I have them; somewhere in this mess are my guns and knives. 

Without a budget for new frocks, I decided to put the Vice Grips back in the tool box and get out my knife sharpener.  AKA: Nike’s and the ipod shuffle.